Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
