I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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