my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
