my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I did not marry a roomba.
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