peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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