i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
