you traded sex for a burrito?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
