not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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