you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Randomize
