I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
