Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
He has the fingertips of a God
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