1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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