Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
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You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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