new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
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We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
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That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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