Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
