my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
