Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Randomize
