Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
