I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
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All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
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I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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