from now on my penis is your penis
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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