You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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