So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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