I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
