Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
