Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
