Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
