elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
