I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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