The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
