who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
