Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
