I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
