I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
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When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
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Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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