Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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