i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
