you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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