Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Quick, to the slutcave!
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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