I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
