there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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