You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
