You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
