What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
