Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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