i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize