I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
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