Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
