My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
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Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
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No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
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