I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
