I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
