this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
