I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
