Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
