drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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