I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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