Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
