I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
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Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
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Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"