As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
