I wanna passion pit in your ass
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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