we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
