Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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