Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
