I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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